Here We Go Again

I'm going to take a minute to welcome myself back. Its time to try to quit smoking again. This time, I'm even less enthusiastic about it than I was the last time. But, I know writing about it helps inspire me so here I am. I'm not making any promises at this point. I haven't even picked a quit date yet.

I'm at a point today in the process of quitting that I didn't share last time. Last time I started out at the point where I had already set my mind on it and had spent some time pumping my spirits and determination up. I skipped the wallowing in self pity and the general funky, uncomfortable mindset that I'm at now where reality tells you its time to go to war again but you just don't feel like you're up to the task. Every ounce of me says its too hard to quit and like a stubborn child, I just simply don't want to do it. I've been in this mentality for months now. I go to bed every night and say to myself, "Tomorrow I'll get up and I'm not going to smoke." The morning comes and I remember my nightly resolve, pour a cup of coffee, and give it all of 2 minutes consideration before saying, "Screw it," and reach for my cigarettes.

Resolve. Failure. Resolve. Failure. Day in, day out, until eventually I tell myself I just can't do it. I can't stop smoking. Its not possible right now for one reason or another. I've got this stress, or that stress...yadda yadda yadda. Excuses. Excuses. Then I go about my day, putting it further and further out of mind. I find other things throughout my day to occupy my mind so that I may smoke in peace without my conscience nagging at me every second.

Until I lay down at night. That's when the sharp chest pains come. That's when I can no longer deny what's happening. I've got a nasty habit that's slowly killing me.

I can let this go on forever or until I'm dead. Many smokers do. I can live in near poverty and deteriorating health on a daily basis because I've grown accustomed to it. Its easier than quitting smoking. Its easier to ignore the drain on the quality of my life than it is for me to sustain the mental fortitude it takes to quit smoking even if just for a few weeks.

Yes, it is that hard. At least, it is for me. I'd rather have my fingernails pulled out with pliers than face the endless hours, sometimes torturous minutes, that constitute those first few days of withdrawal.

But, it must be done. And I must do it. I have to try again. I've put it off long enough.

My doctor says the average smoker tries to quit 8 times before they quit for good. So, I'm not doing so bad. I've had some real success in the past, including my 3 year stint back when my kids were babies. I've already proven to myself that I can do it. I just have to do it.

"Just do it." Nike really nailed it with that one, didn't they?